Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine's Day in the 31st Century

Fry: Valentine's Day's coming? Oh, crap! I forgot to get a girlfriend again.
* * *
Zoidberg: I'd pay anything to end my miserable loneliness. If only I weren't so desperately poor.
Bender: Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance? Hmm. * * *
* * *
[Scene: Planet Express Corridor. Bender hammers a sign on a door that has "Bender's Computer Dating Service. Discreet And Discrete" written on it.]
Bender: Ah, computer dating. It's like pimping but you rarely have to use the phrase "upside your head."
Leela: Bender, this is stupid. Why would anyone come to you for romantic help?
Bender: Hey! Don't make me go upside your head!
* * *
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender drinks from a bottle. Leela sits down and plays with his "Dating Consultant" nameplate nonchalantly.]
Leela: So, how's business?
[Bender opens his chest cabinet, revealing a huge pile of money. He pulls out a $500 note.]
Bender: Are you familiar with my friend Al Gore? I'm tellin' you, losers get really desperate around Valentine's Day.
Leela: Yeah, it's pathetic alright! [She whistles. Bender hums.] How much?
Bender: 500 bucks.
Leela: Done.
* * *
[Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Valentine's Day]
Leela: (whispering) Bender! Did you just round up our dates at the bus station?
Bender: Of course not.
Sal the Bus Driver: (shouting) Anybodys else for Nutley?
[Bender's customers get up and head for the door. Zapp's date also leaves.]
* * *
[The next day. Enter Bender, counting his profits.]
Bender: Yep, everything worked out great thanks to good old Bender.
Leela: Come on! It's not like you intentionally set us up with bad dates so we'd spend Valentine's Day together.
Bender: Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I?
[He winks and a heart wipe closes the scene but opens up again.]
Leela: No! You didn't! You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station and pocketed our money!
Bender: True. But in the end, isn't that what Valentine's Day is really all about?
Leela: Yeah.
Fry: I guess so.

-- "Put Your Head On My Shoulder," Futurama, Season 2

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